-entering
A cooool blog
of a mysterious soul....
uncovered...=)
-Entries'-
Wednesday, March 18, 2009*
man... i have no idea whats really going wrong at this period in my life. everything keeps caving in at me. many things are left unattended, unfufiled, hanging. i feel as though trouble is always lurking at the corner when i'm trying my best to keep my feet on track, my eyes on God. i know satan is trying his every means to get at me, to confuse me. while God uses these situations, hard times, obstacles to build my character, increase my capacity at times when i felt like giving up.
recently, i spent a week preparing for the portfolio interview at lasalle. i feel its important to show a 1st good impression at the portfolio interview to kick start a good learning opportunity and consistency at lasalle. i've passed that interview.. then today i spoke to the admin of lasalle about the payment. she told me that the bank loan will only occupy 75% of my fees, the remaining 25% i'll have to fork up myself. they said that they are willing to extend to june for me provided if they still have a place for me in lasalle till then. what i'm worried about is that i might not be able to attend lasalle this year's august intake as i heard this year's enrolment for students are alot more due to the opening of new courses esp in the fine arts area!! meaning more students will be going to visual studies foundation... = lesser chance of me being able to wait till june to submit the 1st semester's $$. the 1st semester's fee is close to $600. at that figure, i feel like fainting already.. how am i going to pay that amount in 2 weeks - thats specified in the letter-?? thats insane.
its just that, its really difficult to remain strong during difficult times. i have to count myself lucky enough.. probably i should put it as fortunate enough to live by God's grace.
yesterday when i did my QT, some verses spoke to me, and that i can relate to it very much. here i'll share one of the few verses :)
' The wicked is ensnared by the transgression of his lips. But the righteous will come through trouble. ' (Proverbs 12:13)
this particular verse really spoke to me as i feel that as we keeps our ways and values grounded in God's word and His spoken word, theres nothing too big we can't face. i feel a good sense of affirmation from God through that verse. its comforting at times like this that i get to know the encouraging side of God, to me. thank you God for Your love, Your Grace and Your mercy.. Thank You for putting me in CHC and putting encouraging ppl and friends around me. even though sometimes ppl et me down, or vice versa, i know You're there beside me. thank you for that.
Saturday, March 07, 2009*
i've been thinking these few days about my future. sitting alone at home, many times feeling uncertain about whats ahead God has planned for my future. i feel afraid at times of venturing into the arts world. often i will have a lack of confidence.. do i really have the talent to compete in the arts market? do i have the passion?? must i take this step, almost seemingly a blackhole full of uncertainties? these questions i usually ask myself...
there was a point around 2+ years ago where my passion in art blossomed immensely.. quickly, i can say in my own terms crazy speed. i searched online for my fav singer, christina aguilera's pictures and i found some drawings of christina that led to deviantart sites and zindy zone. the online talent pool has opened up my eyes to how art can be done, probably, partially should be done. thus i began drawing, driven by my passion for the emotional, expressiveness, and the realistic values of portrait drawing.
it lasted till probably the drawing Concealed Nakedness, and then the Ethereal Vow drawing i did not complete. but after those 2 drawings, i now realize its the lack of inspiration that i did not produce as on-par drawings in my own expectations. from the lack of inspiration, it led to low confidence. it was hugely because i did not know why or what was the problem, why i was feeling really unsatisfied with my art. its like in the past i used to have full of confidence in my drawings to even produce drawings without references. till these days then did i realize why i was lagging behind at my pace in growing artistically. maybe its a partial understanding to why i had the lack of confidence in drawing, but well enough to change my mindset.
years before, i knew inspiration was a major factor to the satisfaction for my drawings, drawing from one's feel. that is what art is all about, to me at least. its final ingredient to make why art is called art. i admit between around the 1yr or more span, i do try to figure whats going wrong, what was happening to my developement, why nothing has changed.. but i was never really sure what was the main reason of my art block. till thse days, and i thank God for it, for he built my confidence once again, not fully. slowly but surely :)
recently i found songs from vita, a russian singer, the songs he sang impacted me. its like opening my eyes towards the passion i once had, to be able to feel as inpired to the peak of my inspiration for conveying an idea as i had before my major art block. maybe i can be labelled as impatient.. i'm still tyring to figure out and at the same time i want to learn ways to draw inspiration for my art in the future.
i have confidence in God for giving me a promising future and i believe it could be in the arts industry.. well.. who knows? =) long and tough way but i think having a love for art once again, beats the odds.
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